I love me, who do you love?

It’s yet another fighting event and the smoke fills the room whilst the base from the music is pounding away. The crowd begs for blood as they suck down their cheap alcohol drinks. The athletes give their all in the cage to little cheers from a crowd that is filled to the brim with alcohol. Mothers and fathers sit stiff in their seats biting their nails down to the bone out of fear for their loved one’s safety. As the intermission commences a male walks towards the cage with a presence that forces those in attendance to turn their head towards his every movement. Their attention has shifted from what they were once so deeply in convocation about. Their previous thoughts just a blur as they gaze at this gentleman that seems to be a fighter. His every move is followed by the onlookers’ eyes. He parades down to the cage like he is walking the catwalk. He tenses every muscle group as he parades himself towards the cage. The crowd is thinking to themselves this man must be of importance.

A man shouts from the crowd, “Listen to him he has something to say!”

The drunken crowd prize their finger from their grubby finger print stained pint glasses and stare down in awe at the fighter. As he leaves the darkness of the crowd and enters the cage, where lights are beaming down upon his pasty yet muscular body, he grabs the microphone.

“Is there anyone out there in the middleweight division that wants to fight me?”

“YES!” screams a person from the deepest darkest part of the room. Members of the crowd jump at the ferociousness and deafening sound of this brutish voice that blows past their ears.

“Make your presence known you filthy mudblood”

The fighter in the corner of the room steps slowly into the light. The smoke has thinned and the music has stopped. A ranked Top-10 middleweight fighter walks out and shows his face to the fighter standing in the centre of the cage.

“BUT I want to be your friend,” whimpers the fighter standing in the middle of the cold, dark and lonely cage.

This scene was not filmed in front of a live ostrich!

–

The underlining message to this story is there are people who out there who love themselves. They are all bark and no bite – FACT! Yet these people think they have important things to say or do. There is also a small group of people that may think the earth may revolve around this certain person’s cock but it doesn’t. This is also a fact.

It’s nearly as bad as when you were in school and there was always a girl that would hit you on the chest and flirt like man. They would usually say something like, “I really like you. Will you come round to my house and basically become my stalker and get nowhere near inside my knickers but give it a good try? Will you? Will you? Will you?”

Well you do it for a bit then you find out she is a massive frigid.  It gets so bad that when masturbating and thinking about her she even plays the flirty games then cock blocks you. Yes that’s right I’m comparing fighting to being frigid.

Some guys out there just don’t want to fight but talk about giving you a good fuck all the time. WAIT A MINUTE. Imagine that you pay £30 to watch me either receiving or taking it in the cage ha. In reality they actually talk about fighting then don’t do it.

–

The week’s updates

• I met my cousin for the first time this week. It was awesome. she has the best little lads in the world that i imagine will be a right handful later on in life
• Training is going mint. Right now i just want to fight…..no change there
• Had a very fun roll with Alex this week. Can’t wait to slut it about again next week if he is ringworm free!
• I feel awesome
• I am awesome!
• Everybody I train with is awesome
• Who wants to touch me?????

Over and out

RANDY MOGLE X X

I’m not the best thing since sliced bread…I’m as good as the whole loaf

This is my first blog back after a long time of not writing. For those who read my blogs you will probably have assumed I am fighting again. Well I am! I usually dust off the keyboard when its fight time and inform you on what I am doing leading up to a fight with also a little bit of humour added in.

My next fight will be on Strike & Submit 15 against Dominic McConnell. Well what can I say about Dominic? He is a tough and talented fighter. I accepted this fight straight away when Mick Surtees asked me because I don’t want to have easy fights. I want to have good fights with good fighters. I want to test myself and I believe Dominic is a good test. He has a lot of experience in the cage and I feel as if he is a dangerous opponent, which I won’t be taking lightly. At the end of the day if I was fighting some knacka, nobody would give two shits if I won. So I may as well go in there and fight someone good and have a real fight and get people talking.

I got told that to get your name out there and for people to want to see your fights you need to have some hype going on around you. Well I am not going to pipe myself off or anything and tell people I’m the next best thing since sliced bread – but I do aim to show people what I can do by fighting. There are a lot of people out there that I don’t think are that good and have hype around them. This is mainly because they have used the internet to talk about themselves. I aim to do little talking about how this or how that I am. I’m just going to do my thing and for the people that are watching I hope they have a good night I will aim to put on a show.

I was a little bit upset that I did not stay standing with my opponent for long in my last fight. My intentions were to keep it standing and then before I knew it I was diving in for a single leg head inside and taking him to the floor. Maybe it was because he was so much larger than me and I had seen him unleash head kicks early on in previous fights. Another thing is he was very long limbed. I have arms like a T-Rex so fuck standing there and trading with this guy with lanky Larry arms. I’m gunna take him the fuck down! I think Dominic is a similar build to me and he doesn’t seem to cut too much weight. He looks like a good overall fighter. The majority of his wins have come on the floor, which is similar to mine. So I look forward to having a good fight.

Since training with the guys at Spartan I have been doing a hell of a lot more stand up. No one wants to go to the floor during training sessions. I think I have figured out that I wasn’t as comfortably with my hands as I first thought. Sparring with the likes of great stand-up fighters such as Colin Fletcher, Ryan Scope, Ross Pearson and Andrew Fisher will definitely help you get better stand up quicker than normal otherwise it could end in certain death ha. At the end of the day I am training like normal. I haven’t been in this game that long and I just want to show everyone what I’m made of. I might tell some people I am the best thing since sliced bread here and there but I won’t be saying it out loud just yet.

Great things that have happened this week

1. I got a 2.1 in my BSC (hons) Degree in Sports Science, and got to wear my gap and gown at the Stadium of Light.

2. My cousin got married.

3. My dad celebrated his 50th birthday.

4. I went to the Marcelo Brigadeiro seminar at Spartans.

Thanks for reading

Andy Ogle

My fight on Strike & Submit 14

Strike and submit 14 was held on the 30th of April. The card looked like this:

Strike & Submit British Middleweight Title
Andrew Pushon (Spartan MMA/ The Lodge F-club) V Alan Love (Dinky Ninjas)

Strike & Submit European Welterweight Title
Matt Inman (SBG Manchester) V James Mair (Rick Youngs MMA Scotland)

Darren Towler (Team Machine) V Phil Defries (The Dungeon)
Anth Grecian (Sunderland Fightpit/Unity Gym) V Dominic McConnell (Strabane Fightteam, Ireland)
Martin Wilby (Independant Fighter) V John Donnelly (Team Ryano, Dublin)
Gary Mawson (Spartan MMA) V Kevin Carney (Antrim MMA)
Ryan Scope (Spartan/NX Gen) V Daniel Park (Grapple & Strike MMA)
Andy Ogle (Team Yasumazu) V Nij Wright (Team Warriors Elite)
Nasef Alganga (BST MMA) V Dean Brailey (The Dungeon)
Maxim Ionov (Judo Club Venelle/Spartan MMA) V Dean Reilly (Dinky Ninjas)

Strike & Submit Semi Pro British Heavyweight Title
Craig Scott (AFC Newcastle) V Ryan Boyd (IMMA Ireland)

Strike & Submit Semi Pro British Featherweight Title
O “Icebox” Okunnu (NFA Sunderland) V Andy McCrae (Dinky Ninjas)

Nathan Court (Independant Fighter) V Jeff Metcalf (Brawlers Gym)
James Ryder (The Lodge Fightclub) V Anthony Jeffries (Team Hoban)
Graeme (sweetie) Markham (Spartan MMA) V Adam Sutherland (Brawlers Gym)

–

A picture says a thousand words

On the day of the fight I arrived at the Federation Brewery for 3pm. I went to see the medical staff to see if my blood pressure was alright for me to fight. I had done my weight cut and I was now fully hydrated. The hard work had been done – it was now all about the fun of fighting.

After the medicals, the fighters then went to the rules meeting. It was like a school classroom in the rules meeting, with fighters giggling when a mobile phone went off and some fighters eager to say things out loud in front of everyone. For one moment I am sure I saw a paper plane fly across the room.

After the rules meeting me, Stu, Chris and Deathwish went off to the Metro Centre to grab a bite to eat before the event started. Now if you have never fought before, fight days are the longest days known to man. One hour can feel like a lifetime on a fight day – by the time I am ready to fight, I feel as if I should be home tucked up in bed.

Before I fight I usually get a bit nervous when Stu asks “Right Andy, are we going to get your hands wrapped?” So this time I thought I would get my hands wrapped really early and put my shorts on straight away to get it out of the way. As you start fighting more and more regularly or get several fights under your belt, you start to get used to the feelings you are experiencing. They become the norm. If I was to put it into a context that everyone can understand it’s like having an orgasm for the first time – you don’t really know what the hell is going on but you kind of like it and you want to have more. You then freak out and don’t know where to put your cum but it’s alright because it felt awesome.

Many fighters have different methods on how to deal with nerves before a fight. Me personally, I use the art of reasoning. I was running through it with another fighter before his fight, and he was like “you don’t need to convince me you can fight, I believe you”. I usually go through several little sentences in my head such as:

“It’s my recreational sport so if I choose not to do it I wouldn’t be here. It’s my choice to fight and these nerves are natural. If I didn’t like it I could always go home.”

“He’s just a man like me. He isn’t superman and there are no consequences to us fighting. It’s not like he is going to follow me home or knock me out and not stop. The ref is looking after me and looking after my health. Everything is cool.”

Other things that help me cope with stress is my corner team. In the back of any event before we fight we have some fucked up banter. I am willing to bet a large sum of money that our conversations are by far the weirdest out there. It keeps your mind off the fight and helps you relax beforehand. We have a mint bit of banter with Liam Brown, the run-around guy for Strike & Submit. He is an awesome runner guy and doesn’t even get a thank you off anyone. He sorts out a lot and treats a load of the fighters with respect, and is always there with a smile on his face.

With all of these techniques I was using, I was really chilled for my fight. I even managed to walk to the cage singing Black Betty (ram ba jam). The fight went really smoothly apart from a small hiccup – I got reversed on the cage wall, but fixed this problem straight away by reversing him on the cage.

At the end of the day I have learned to enjoy myself more now before and during my fights. I think it is the fact that if you don’t think about making it or you don’t take yourself too seriously the game is more fun. I can’t wait to fight again – who knows who my next opponent is, but I hopefully won’t be waiting long before I am in the cage again.

Fun times

Peace and cheers for reading
Andy

The Fighters’ Body; The Machine, Fuel and Overdrive

Preparing for a fight is the toughest part of MMA. This kind of training can break you before your fight has even begun. It can make your loved ones not want to talk to you because they know you will be in a mood from the beatings you have taken earlier on in the day.

When training for a fight, your outside life basically dies. Nothing else really matters anymore and this is one of the main reasons why not everyone can be a fighter. When you start to fight you have friends outside of MMA and you have other desires. When MMA takes its hold on you your desires outside of MMA die and your other friends slowly die with it. Friends outside of MMA ask you if you’re coming out for a drink and all you can say is “no, no, no, I’m training , i’m training, i’m training”.

This repetitive flow of turning them down will only end in one way. Before long they will just stop asking. Hell, MMA affects every part of your life, ranging from the haematomas that have now permanently scarred your ears to the breathing problems that you have gained from cartilage shifting in the bridge of your nose from the heavy boxing sessions.

Then there are the major changes, such as a lack of desire to find a job in order for you to chance the dream of hitting the big time. When training for a fight I have been training two times a day, six days a week.

On Monday I did 6 x 5-minute rounds of boxing in the morning, then 3 x 5-minute rounds, one hour of strength and conditioning and an hour and a half of jiu-jitsu in the evening.

On Tuesday I did 5 x 5-minute rounds of MMA in the morning then two hours of Muay Thai in the evening.

On Wednesday I did an hour of Muay Thai with my coach then an hour of boxing.

On Thursday I did 4 x 5-minute rounds of MMA, then wrestling in the evening for an hour and a half.
Today I have done a five-mile run and I will be doing two and a half hours of jiu-jitsu with hits.

On Saturday I will do hill sprints, then two hours of MMA.

So preparing for a fight is like pushing your body to the limit, and trying to prepare itself for everything that may happen in the cage. We as fighters push our bodies to new limits until they are running on autopilot. The body becomes a machine accustomed to pain, and friends with lactic acid. In fact during my sleep the other night I actually swooped down with an elbow and hit my girlfriend in the back. She woke up and gave me a mouthful of abuse and fell back to sleep. I have also punched her in the nose before when sleeping and kneed her. It’s not the best thing to be doing. she will kick my ass, but what can I say? I’m basically becoming a machine that works when the factory is closed.

On top of this, fighters have to diet in order to meet a weight category. Not only is the body being pushed to new limits where it needs more energy from food, it is now getting deprived of this increased energy income. To lose body weight the body must burn off more energy than it consumes. A fighter burns off a lot of energy during training and I don’t know about anyone else but the last thing I want to do is eat spinach and chicken for my tea a week out from fighting when I get home after a session – but this is a process that has got to be done. The real question is what affect does this have on a martial artist’s body?

When pushing your machine to its extremes and running on overtime you are bound to affect the cogs that are spinning the wheels. Matt Hughes once said no fighter goes into a fight 100%, otherwise you’re not training hard enough. Is this a common belief among fighters? Is this the most stupid thing you have ever heard? Well Average Joe believes that to go into a cage and hit another man in the face for 15 minutes willingly is crazy. So if we are going off average Joe’s comments then maybe I should stop and not run my body into the ground, but if you are reading this and you fight yourself, then maybe Average Joe is like a margarita pizza – SHIT!

I like my pizza just like I like my Nandos – extra hot. Average Joe can live like a turtle whereas I personally want to see how far my body can go in the short period of time I live on this earth. If this means I have fucked up lugs, fucked breathing and end up being in a wheelchair by the age of 40, then sweet – pimp my wheelchair, here I come.

Ring worm says, “I’ll be back”

This week has been awesome for training.  I have started training with the Spartan lads again.  I had a little falling out with one of the guys that trains there some time ago, which meant that I could not train with the guys anymore.  MMA is a grassroots sport and the least anyone needs is to make enemies.  There is a small group of guys in the Northeast that train and fight pro, so falling out with these people isn’t the best idea.  I am a cheeky cunt at times, and if you give grief to someone in MMA don’t expect them to want to resolve it with a game of cards.

Everything is now settled though – Equilibrium has been achieved.  Time does heal all wounds and I am now training with them again. On Thursday when I trained at Spartan I trained with Andrew Punshon and Ryan Scope, two guys that are both fighting on the same Strike & Submit card as me.   Andrew Punshon is fighting unbeaten Allan Love for the Strike & Submit middleweight Europe title.  All I can say is I predict very technical stand up from Mr Punshon.  I expect him to knock Allan out and show people what he is all about.

Well what can i say about Ryan? He should be in his first year of 6th form ha ha. Ryan was the reason why people would go to Total Combat events. He was an excuse for old men to see a young lad roll around in tight pants on the floor getting sweaty. Ryan was a paedo’s wet dream a year or two ago. Since then he is now a young man and Total Combat spectatorship levels have slightly decreased and the smell of cum in the air has left the Rainton Meadows Arena because Ryan has grown up. In all seriousness anyone that knows Ryan will know he is talented.

From paedo’s wet dream to sex machine

It has been fun training of late until I noticed the return of the worm on my back.  What I don’t get is when people come to training knowing that they have ring worm.  I was training with someone the other day, he will remain nameless. The lad had ring worm and after training with him for half an hour and I noticed a red circle on his skin.  When I asked to see it I said to him, “holy shit, you have ring worm – fucking hell”.  He said to me “Oh, I didn’t see it”.

Thank you for the skin infection

All I can think to myself was ‘What, you couldn’t see that massive patch on your skin that is incredibly itchy and redder than a clown’s nose?’  Well I thought I had washed myself thoroughly enough to prevent myself from getting the dreaded skin infection.  The lad has said sorry but it’s not really good enough I think. I had caught it early but he has just fucked up several days of training for me. It’s a good job one of those days is a rest day and the other two or three I am going to bash the shit out of cardio.

Peace

Andy

The little things that get in the way

So last week was very busy.  I was on autopilot.  Whenever I have had some time to rest, something has prevented me from doing so.  Well the week is over – I just handed in my dissertation on the 30th April.  I am sure there was a small child holding a dove and letting it loose when I passed over my dissertation to the university receptionist.  There was also a clown smiling and making balloon animals, a midget on a bicycle waving a cowboy hat and an old man peeling the skin off an apple with a knife, smirking at me whilst he puffed away on his pipe.  All of these were signs that clearly something beautiful had just happened.  No more university, motherfuckers!

Another thing that fucked the week up was when I had an accident on the road.  When I was heading home the other night from my shift on the door, I could only think of my bed.  It was near 3am and after basically babysitting a load of young drunken assholes at work, I was ready for the land of nod.  To keep myself awake on my way back home I was listening to Smooth Radio.  I had listened to enough rave and techno shit for the past several hours to last me a lifetime.  I was not willing to listen to Westwood on Radio 1 shout in his whiney little bitchy voice about how some shit music is “mad crazy”.  I was so tired from work I just wanted to get home as fast as possible.

On a road where I could really put my foot down, a rabbit decided to jump out and play a game of chicken with my car.  Needless to say, the rabbit lost.  The rabbit hit the car so fucking hard, I nearly shit myself.  For that brief moment in time before I hit the little furry fucker, our eyes met.  I could see his life flash past my eyes.  It was then I realized this rabbit was a raving sex maniac that deserved to die.  The sole purpose of this little bugger’s life was to rape and pillage the nearby fields.  This little cute bastard needed to die.  Someone needed to bring piece back to the fields of Earsdon.  I had performed God’s job and ending this little devil worshipping rabbit’s life.

I stopped the car to see if there were any marks left from the impact of his tiny cranium on my bumper but there were none.  As I drove away I could hear what resembled a tin can in the wheel, so in the morning I took my car to Kwik-Fit.  Now I know nothing about cars.  In fact Chris Scott talks about cars in the gym and I crease my tits off every time.  He talks another language sometime.  He talks about super shift drive mega mix 300’s with a 2 point 2 manifold in a titanium x-converters.  This could be for a fucking pod racer for all I know and even if he did have a pod racer how much do you think it would cost for him to get insured on one of those things?  There’s no such thing as going slow in one of those bad lads and there’s no roofs.  As we seen in Anakin Skywalker’s battle with Zabulba, these vehicles can be canny dangerous.  Again like so many of my blogs, they spiral off…

Well basically I had rabbit face trapped under my car – but yet again this totally ruined the time I could have been sleeping.   I went past the scene of the accident the other day and there was a lonely rabbit wearing a black veil and holding a bunch of flowers in its paw.  So I feel really guilty there is now a widow rabbit out there.  I have decided that the ticket money I raise will be donated to the family of the rabbit I killed.  The money will hopefully allow the rabbit children to get taught how to cross the road at the right time.

Now I have no university work to do and I have rabbit face displayed on the front of my car to warn any other rabbits.  If any rabbit want to challenge my car to a game of chicken they will now think twice because they should know there is only one winner.  This week I have nothing to do now – I bet nothing gets in my way now.  Bring on next week!

Peace

Andy

It’s Time!!!

It’s been a while since I wrote a blog. Since the last blog I wrote, bones have been broken, tears have been shed, pounds have been gained and lost like a bulimic in a cake shop, and ears have been severely cauliflowered to the point of not being able to recognise if they are human or ogre (Shrek).

In the famous words of Bruce Buffer, “IT’S TIME!”

I will be fighting on Strike and Submit 14 very shortly against a lad called Nij Wright.  At the end of the day I took a stupid fight against someone very capable at the back end of the year.  Coming off that loss I really wanted to jump into the MMA scene head-first again.  The only problem is I wanted a fight I could prepare for.  Like I said I made a silly mistake in taking a fight with someone that I think I could beat if I had prepared for properly, but then again MMA is a game and you can lose in any way imaginable.

Well, pull out after pull out after show cancellation, I have now finally got a fight lined up – so It’s time to put down the energy drinks and put some very hard graft in.  To be fair I have been waiting so long to fight right now I really could not give a fuck what happens in there.  I just want to go in there and have some fun – I don’t want to think about the “what if I win three fights in a row?” or “what if I lose?”

There are a lot of fighters thinking to themselves, “I could be in the UFC if I win this many fights”.  It’s a laugh – it’s my chosen recreational sport.  Recreational is the main word described for this sport in my mind.  You have a choice in whatever you do and for a while I lost sight of this.  I thought to myself I am going to try and make it and be the best.  Well I don’t know where I’m going to be in three years – there is a possibility I could be dead next week.  The only guarantee is I’m going to go out having a laugh with clean underwear on and what I think is a shit load of cool tats engraved on my body.

Let’s get back on track with the MMA thing, because I feel as if I am slipping off course from the whole ‘hitting in the face’ thing.  It just so happens that I’m going to get hit in the face canny hard by someone that’s been thinking about me for several weeks, and hitting pads with a cartoon cut out of a little square headed, squashed nosed ugly chap (that’s me).

Hell, I like the thought of this.  I know Nij wants to have fun in there and I do too.  He seems to bring a good fight, which is awesome – I can’t wait.  As many of the young charvas around my way would say, “he’s game as a badger”.  I personally don’t understand this saying.  I would describe Nij as “GAME AS A DODO BIRD OR A MOOSE”.  He’s going to become extinct much like the flightless bird and I am going to get him and hang his head in my living room.  Well in all honesty, I like the way he fights and I can imagine we are going to have a good one.

Judging at Optimus Fighting Championships

I hope Allan Love wants another game of elbows after the show, ha ha.  When out in Edinburgh we were trying to make Allan’s ears look similar, because he has the best cauliflower ear I have ever seen – yet his other ear is normal, which when drunk would seem like a challenge or an obstacle just staring you in the face egging you on.

“Ears are supposed to match so aren’t they?” I thought to myself after helping a large group of rowdy men drink a rock bar our of jagermeister, vodka and energy drinks.  “Maybe I should help Allan with this problem of his” I thought to myself.  What was only going to be one little elbow to his normal ear turned out to be a full on war between the very talented middleweight and myself.  I can only describe it in my drunken blurred memories as two rams clashing heads in a battle of supremacy.  I am sure as the battle commenced a woman walked by pushing her child in a push pram shouting “You fucking animals, you ain’t real football fans, you’re just a bunch of muggy little cunts”.

Then I realised that was Football Factory and the battle of the drunken idiots had been going on for what felt like hours.  I thought, “how do I win?  He’s Scottish, we might be here a long time”.  The end of the game basically came with me being the winner via a split decision, because after around about half an hour of elbowing each other I missed Allan’s ear and hit him in the eyebrow.  I must have had the killer instinct in me, because this resulted in him having to get stitches early hours of the morning in A & E.

Your ear or mine?

Since then I went out the other week and played the same game with another MMA friend, yet this game was short lived due to verbal submission.  I do think Allan would have kept on going the whole night if he didn’t have to go to hospital.  Oh Allan, how I can’t wait to see you again and elbow your ears.  I’m counting down the days until I see you again.

Until next time,

Peace

Andy

Happy Birthday To Me

Happy Birthday To Me

So on the 16th February it was my 21st birthday. I was really pissed off because first of all I had to go for a meal with my girlfriend and family. It’s not as if I don’t like going for meals its just the fact I hate going out for meals when I know I have to maintain a steady weight, even if I am playing by the 90% diet rule. Secondly, I hate wearing jeans! If I could I would go out wearing shorts for every occasion I would.

“Hey Andy how is it going?”
“It’s doing fine. How are you?”
“Did you not think you should be wearing appropriate clothing to this funeral?”
“Do you not think my white and red Warrior Wear shorts are nice?”

All in all I have had a mint birthday. I didn’t go out raving and getting wrecked out of my head but I did spend the time with the people I love the most – me. I don’t know what this year has in store for me but when blowing out my birthday candles all I did wish for was a win next weekend to top my birthday off. Fingers crossed my wish comes true.

I was watching The Lost Boys the other night and it really got me thinking about my fight. There was a quote in the movie which speaks loads about this sport. In the movie the main character Michael (Jason Patric) is chasing David (Kiefer Sutherland) on his bike in a cloudy haze of darkness. In front of them in the distance Michael realizes that where David is leading him is off a cliff. Before you know it Michael puts the breaks on his scrambler as quick as he can. As the bike rolls along the floor Michael picks himself up off the ground and storms over to David.

Michael shouts, “Come on then, just me and you, come on”.
David says, cool as a cucumber: “How far are you willing to go?”

With MMA how far are you willing to go? Well the fact of the matter is there is always going to be a ref in the cage in there with you. What is there to worry about? With MMA there is no such thing as someone coming to your house afterwards to get payback.

Leading up to the fight I like to be a nice guy. I’m not going in there to kill anyone, I just want to knock my opponent out in front of my loved ones. So later I can big myself up around the mean streets of Tynemouth (where I live), which just so happens to be a peaceful and old people-infested village.

It just so happens that when I am feeling low I go to Tynemouth to do my cardio because I know grannies will cheer me on. If MMA was a street fight I would always be thinking in the back of my mind, what the hell do I have to do? I know from experience that people don’t know how to fight on the street, but how far are you supposed to go? What if they come to my house next week and brick my windows or hurt my family as a way of getting one over on me?

In my eyes MMA is the place to kick ass. I can’t wait for my fight now because in a week’s time I get to let loose and for 15 minutes everyone in the room is going to check me out. With that much power I should do something inspirational or something funny, but then again why not just look like a super-duper hard bastard that’s a UFC cage fighter?

Cheers for reading this week’s blog

Peace
Andy

Every Dog Has His Day, and A Cautionary Tale About Balls

Last Sunday saw Billy Anderson win his first MMA fight via armbar in the first round. Unfortunately Steve Hamblin lost his first MMA fight via kimura in the first round. His opponent was very tough but at the end of the day Steve enjoyed the experience and he will be back, which is better than guys that stop training altogether because of a bad experience.

The real triumph of the night was Paul ‘Deathwish’ Hartley’s win. Paul won his second fight in a row at Cage Kombat in Dalkeith last week. Paul fought Aldo Waugh in a fight that was desired by Aldo for some time. Paul’s first victory with Team Yasumazu was over tough first-time fighter Mickey ‘Side Show Shore. Paul won this fight on The Northern Fight League show back in August 2009. Since then Paul has worked to improve all elements of his game in order to prove to people he can do more than be a pedestal for fighters looking for an easy fight. When asked if he would fight on Cage Kombat against a man that had desired to fight him for some time, Paul jumped at the chance to test himself.

Paul Hartley vs. Aldo Waugh, Cage Kombat 12

Go on youtube.com to view the whole fight

When I first met Paul I didn’t think we would get along. I thought to myself, what is this guy trying to sell me? But in fact Paul is the most loving guy I have ever met. Fair play, he still lives with his mother and he offers people things that he can’t always give. That’s only because he wants to be accepted so much and wants to be sound to everyone. Well Paul has been nothing but kind to me. I really wanted him to win this fight and show people what he can do.

His nickname is Deathwish and this name was given to him as a pisstake, but Paul wears this nick name with pride because in my mind Paul is fearless. Even when he lost a load of fights in a row he has came back and showed everyone what he can do. I am not saying he is a world-beater but you don’t know what can happen. As the title of this blog reads, every dog has its day. Deathwish’s performance at the weekend showed me that all you need in this sport is a bit of heart and you can go far.

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A Cautionary Tale About Balls

Thursday night I went to training. I did 6 x 5 minute rounds before the wrestling class. While in the gym Stu rang me and asked me if I would take the wrestling class because he would be late, which was mint for me because I thought to myself I get to work anything and everything I want.

Right at the end of the lesson I asked the lads to sharktank me but start in double underhook position and I will fight from there. The moment I break the position or capitalize, we would start again from double underhooks. In my last round I threw one of the guys with an uchimata. I landed on his opposite hip with my groin guard and thought to myself ‘ouch that hurt a little’. When I tried to get back up I felt as if my hip seized up and I was in agony. I pulled my pants down to see what the damage was.

When I pulled my shock doctor compression shorts down I noticed my testicle had shifted up my body and was located between my pubic region and my hip joint.

As you may imagine I fucking flipped out. I tried to move it back into my sack and I had no luck. By this time I was in some serious pain. As I John Wayne’d myself toward the reception with tears streaming down my face, they could see I was in some serious pain. I was rushed straight into a cubicle and stripped down.

My compression shorts had really compressed my dick into my body and the pain was so bad that my dick went into hiding even more. My testicle was put back into my sack and I received some ultrasound treatment to make sure that I still had blood flow and everything was normal.

In the last three years I have been to hospital ten times. It’s a joke now because I have my own ward these days.

In all seriousness I have been through everything. I promised my mam this time that I won’t go to hospital within the next eight months. The last time I went I nearly bit my tongue off. Eight months! You never know but something tells me I will be back before I know it.

The best thing is I pee’d in a carton and gave it to a nurse. I felt proud of myself coz she was holding my warm steaming pee. Well my balls are feeling a hell of a lot better now they are in the right place. Friday is the rest day and I think I might just do some weights and boxing on Saturday. Fingers crossed Sunday is a good day.

No pictures needed!!!

The only thing that has put a brightener on my screwed up week is going to Urban Samurai to get a pair of shorts for my next fight. Urban Samurai is located on Stowell Street (China Town) in Newcastle. I found it so hard to pick what I wanted. There is a wide range of top brand clothing such as tops, shorts, hoodies and the MMA pads such as the latest Punch Town MMA competition gloves. For a new shop there are a lot of quality items filling the inside. It goes without questioning that this shop will become the main MMA clothing distributor in no time.

Only the best will do

I can only see the shop going from strength to strength. Danny (shop owner) and the lads take part in MMA themselves and have filled the store with what they want, which just so happens to be what I and many of the guys I have taken to the shop want. When I left the shop I left being the proud owner of a pair of the new red and white Warrior Wear shorts.

Danny even let me practice my Jean Claude Van Damme moves in the shorts just to see if they were the ones for me. Needless to say I looked shithot and thought to myself get these in a bag before Danny decides to steal them cause I just make Warrior Wear look a hell of a lot sexier.

Until next time…

Peace,
Andy

Bow to your sensei!

Bow to your sensei and only ever use what you have learnt in this dojo when you’re in extreme danger…

When I posted my blog up on MMA Hit Pit last Friday I was pleased with the final piece I had written but I couldn’t help but think ‘what the hell do I write about now?’ No one wants to know how my training is going – they want to hear something entertaining.

I want to create a blog that can be read by someone that doesn’t even train MMA (what they would be doing on www.mmahitpit.com I don’t know). I want my blog to be funny to read and entertaining, so those that are reading it keep on reading it – that is, if people are reading my blog at all, otherwise that would mean that these are the lonely memoirs of a douche, but I’m comfortable with that.

On Saturday night just gone when I was working in a club in Newcastle, something kicked off. Instantly afterwards I thought to myself ‘Andy, you are fucking brilliant. Write this shit up quick before someone knocks it out of your head in training. When people read this story they will be creased. This will be comedy genius or it will make you look like a woman beater’.

My jokes can rub off a bit too much on to other people – check out that body of mine wwwwwhhhhaaarrrr!

At the bar at which I was working you’re not allowed to take your drink outside past 10.30pm. The manager feels this might prevent people getting glassed outside. When on the back door to the club, I aim to prevent people from taking their drinks out. Sometimes it isn’t as simple as telling someone they can’t take their drink out. When alcohol is consumed the nicest of people can turn into complete ‘knackas’.

This lass went to go outside with her drink – she must have been round about 5’5” and she knew that she was gorgeous, which made me think to myself “I love me but who do you love?”

When I told her that she couldn’t take her drink outside she said, “Please just let me take mine out?” To which I replied “If everyone said ‘only me’ then everyone would be outside with their drinks”. She proceeded to go outside with her drink. I thought to myself ‘what a dick, I’m going to get that bottle if it’s the last thing I do just so I can prove a point’.

I went to get her drink off her and she started to act like a grade-A dick. By this time some more people started walking out with their drinks and I asked them to go back in. This lass came to the door with me and I told her to take her drink inside, as ‘it stopped being cute five minutes ago’. When she kicked up a fuss and necked her drink and put it on the floor I walked into the bar but before leaving I told her that she was a dick. This woman had really pissed me off. She had tried to mug me off in front of all the customers.

Two minutes had went by and this lad came in and said, “Mate do you know that psycho lass from earlier? She’s only gone and smashed her glass off the inside wall when you called her a dick”.

I did chuckle to myself a little but thought ‘fuck this that’s not on’. When the lass returned into the bar I pulled her to one side and told her that I was only doing my job and there was no need to give me such a hard time. I told her that I had been told about the incident with the bottle but I never saw it so I wouldn’t throw her out. I find that women can get away with more because nobody wants to see a woman crying outside the club because her friends haven’t left when she got kicked out.

Well she pulled me down a little to whisper in my ear and she said “If you didn’t work here I would fucking do you in”.

First of all, she was 5’5” and I could see her major organs when she was talking. She was so small that she more than likely needs to run around the shower to get wet, and secondly, what the hell?!

I grabbed her by the arm and proceeded to take her out of the bar. She started to scream “Get the fuck off me now! Rape! Rape! Sexual harassment!”

This is just like the boy that cried wolf, but on a harsher level. There isn’t much of a chance of encountering a wolf in Newcastle, but shouting rape when we haven’t even kissed – come on! She then punched me right in the nose, which caused her to fall to the floor like a sack of shit when bouncing off my already flattened face. I stood over her and said “Get up now, you’re leaving the club.” I grabbed her by the wrists and started to drag her up towards the fire exit, which was located at the side of the building.

I didn’t know what to think of her – she seemed like such a lovely lass, but in reality she was a psycho. She kicked me in the balls when I opened the fire exit door, which stops all the music in the club when opened. The lass also hooked her leg on the wall near the doors, which prevented me from dragging her out. so I went to grab her legs to take her out of the club and again she went to kick me in the balls.

This made me seriously pissed off –I managed to evade the kick to my men, and I’m not proud of this, but I got her in an Achilles lock (I suppose I must be proud of this, otherwise I would have written about sparring with some great people this week instead).

I started to escort her ankle out and up the back alley where the decking was wet and not in the best condition. I can only imagine the splinters this bird had up her backside. She later got arrested for drunk and disorderly that night. I didn’t want her to get arrested, I just wanted her to leave, but when she got involved with the police she did the same thing as with me and kicked off.

I wonder why she didn’t take me seriously – here is me as a Taliban while on the door

The moral of the story is that if you act like a man, you will get treat like a man. I suppose I’m kind of nice really, because if I was playing by those rules she would have been ground and pounded. Another side note to this, is next time someone chokes you in a street fight there is no such thing as tapping out.

In fact if I could do it all again I may have made her say uncle like on some sort of old-school American television programme. I don’t really know what it means, but look at how Americanised we’ve all become – I’m going to watch Cage Kombat on Sunday with a soda in hand and some Oreos. I may even shout at the fighters to squeeze each other’s heads and knock each other out, which would be humorous in a semi-professional bout that has hit the floor.

I can’t wait to see what the lads from the club do this week in their fights. The club has three lads fighting this week, Steve ‘Ike’ Hamblin, Paul ‘Deathwish’ Hartley and Billy ‘The Whiz’ Anderson.

Paul Hartley vs. Mickey Shore

Next weeks blog will be an update on how the lads have done – hopefully it will be good news.

Peace
Andy